To seek

What do I seek?
A word? Or many? A reason? Or an excuse?

"He who seeks, finds."
Does he?

I’m not desperate. I was. But that was years ago. Now the search is a part of me. A part of what I seek.
I am merely annoyed. It could be sooner. It could be clearer.
And how are others doing? I can’t tell.
Am I too smart or too stupid?

And you? What do you seek? Right now, an explanation, I assume. No. You can’t get everything you want. Life is not so nice.
Life is the opposite of nice.
It is unnice. Wait, no. That doesn’t work.
Let me try again…
Life is cruel, cold, painful. Not always, though. I actually have it easy.

But for a seeking soul, it can be a lonely and narrow path.

You still want to know what this is?
Merely an old man’s grunt and a maiden’s weep.
Perhaps, I am capable of something more...
06. januar 2019
07. januar 2019
A monster

(Art by Valentina Remenar)

I’m loved, yet do not love back.
I’m liked, yet I dislike myself.
They’re kind, I’m mean.

A monster grows inside me
and I welcome it.
10. januar 2019
11. januar 2019

Why English? Why not? Half of the time, my thoughts form in English. Sometimes I think of a word in English and have no idea how to translate it. The language, as any or as anything, has advantages and disadvantages.
But right now, I like it because I can hide behind the pronoun such as “they”. It doesn’t give me an excuse, really, more like a shelter.
Or if I am exact, freedom.

Thank you, Night23.
11. januar 2019
11. januar 2019
12. januar 2019

(Image by Cei Willis)

How to kill perfectionism? I’m sure there’s a WikiHow on the topic but for some reason I am too stubborn to take the advice.
"I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself."
- Oscar Wilde

I’ve read something about accepting the “good enough”. But then again, I’ve always been just “good”. Far from the best. And most people can live with that. Unless you’re a perfectionist. Then you just hate yourself for being “good”. Try coupling perfectionism with neuroticism. You just get a very bad form of perfectionism.

I have come to a point, I have to let go of my perfectionism. It’s hard. It’s like an addict saying no to heroin.
But otherwise, it will kill me.
I’ve thought, I could keep perfectionism, be the best, and then I’d be happy.
But the reality is… I can’t be the best. I’m lost in the crowd. I’m not special, not unique, no matter how hard I try.
Perhaps if there’s a way, to really embrace the “good enough”…
I have a long path ahead of me. I’ve walked quite a few miles in few years already but sometimes I get a feeling the goal is just as far away as it was in the beginning.
It’s okay. I’ll be fine. I have time.
Or at least that’s what I say to calm myself down. It might as well all be a white lie.

I’m trying. Doesn’t that count for something too?

Thank you ultraviolet. and Night23 for reading. *Smiles gently.*
12. januar 2019
13. januar 2019

What is my disease? Can’t even tell if I have one. And out of all, it could be any, any disorder that ever existed.
Maybe I am over-exaggerating. But I do often feel as a paradox. Is that flattery to oneself? Is that arrogance?
Am I arrogant? Narcissistic? Or just spoiled?
Am I afraid deep down, insecure? Am I anxious? Or even depressed? Both? Just terribly stressed?
Or maybe I am just a bad combination of personal traits. Neurotic perfectionist. Lonely introvert. Empathic egoist.

Wouldn’t it be nice to just have a name, a word, an excuse for everything?

But no. A name, a word isn’t an excuse. It’s only an explanation.

I’d be fine with an explanation too, actually.

Glad you're with me. You're free to share your opinion on the topic or any thoughts you have.
13. januar 2019
Well, I related to that post. I felt like I was going over and over my personality, like I have done in the past - and I still don't exactly know, who I am. Maybe it's better to stay clueless. Maybe I am just afraid of my insecurities, maybe afraid of myself.
I think, that one word can't be an excuse, I think that explanations are better than excuses.
I enjoy your writing.

I did not know, if I should comment in English or not, but I thought, that English would go well with this, though mine is not as good as yours.

And for the end: Next
13. januar 2019
14. januar 2019
15. januar 2019
Next ! love it! ^^
15. januar 2019
.Rᴀᴠᴇɴᴄʟᴀɪʀᴇ., language here is completely about your personal preference (on that note, your English is far from bad), although you must understand if you choose French, my knowledge does not go past Bonjour and Je t'aime.
As for your comment, the topic of identity among the youth is inevitably important and we all think about it. Discovering and creating oneself is an endless project and sometimes it doesn't seem like you've made any progress, until you take few steps back and distance yourself.
It is important, I believe, to be in no hurry and find the right support you need for your journey.
Also, thank you for enjoying my writing.

Thanks again to ultraviolet. and Night23 and especially to the new reader, ⇝Iɴᴠɪɴᴄɪʙʟᴇ⚝.
I shall post a Next immediately.
15. januar 2019

Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of cars. My daily migration involves roads full of traffic and if I have nothing else to do, my mind half-subconsciously shifts to those moving objects on grey asphalt.
I often think about their design, esthetics. How I like some features and absolutely despise others.
Square shaped tail lights? Hell no.
That thin silver line running by the lower frame of lateral windows? Especially on a dark car? Yes, please.
I have to admit, I am quite picky when it comes to cars aesthetics.
Lately, most of the new cars and designs have a lot of details in their shapes of the sole bodywork or lights, bumpers, grille.
Some look really nice and others look worse than the old models. I hate what they have done to Peugeots the most.
But some others, like Volvos for example, are unrecognisable. Pure beauty compared to what they were, ugly boxes with wheels. I heard they felt like that too.

I personally dislike small cars and like SUVs more. When I was little, BMW X5 or X6 was the idol but now, there are so many pretty SUVs. I would have hard time deciding if someone have me the money to buy a new car. Now that there’s anything wrong with my old one, besides an occasional moodines.
I really like new Hyundai’s Tucson. I can’t put my finger on what exactly is so pretty, but I am really drawn to it. Hyundai SUVs in general. There is also the new Santa Fé and ix35.
Mazda SUVs aren’t bad either, same goes for Volvo. Audi has also always had a nice design. Kia’s Sportage (but the old model, the new one is hideous) and Ford’s Kuga are also not bad, while Opel’s Mokka already seems a bit small, repressed like a pug’s muzzle.

There are also cars I’ve always disliked and years didn’t change that. I never understood the obsession with Porsches and Mercedeses. They can be the strongest, the most expensive cars, the most luxurious ones but that doesn’t take away that they’re ugly.

Of course, now it seems like I would pick a car solely on its appearance but if we’re realistic here - I probably won’t ever have enough money to buy the prettiest car out there. The car I am currently owning is not the prettiest (especially because I rarely wash it) but it works (and it was rather free).
I do like the colour on it though. Bluish grey, a bit darker but not too dark. It’s a grey but not neutral, instead it has an azure aura.

That’s another issue - colours. With black you can’t be wrong but I use that logic everywhere, anyway. I’ve seen the new Tucson in a very vibrant, sparkling blue and I have to admit, I liked it a lot.

There is much more cars out there I haven’t even mentioned. If you wish to know my opinion about a certain brands or models, do not fear to ask.

For the final part, I can also mention my standpoint concerning sport cars. Those extra expensive and super fast.
Again, also here we have ugly and pretty ones. Lamboes are quite unique and likable, then we have always pretty Audis (except for A2), Ford’s Mustang and perhaps my favourite: McLaren P1.

Funny, my first word, when I was little, was a “car”.
15. januar 2019
15. januar 2019
Was ist hier los?

The world in general is not doing so well. Much like myself.
I believe the world is destined to be doomed by its own habitants.
Am I destined to be doomed by my own thoughts?


On that note, today I found a song with similair theme.
If anyone enjoys the genre, here it is:
17. januar 2019
I don’t know

I usually don't lie. But a lot of times, I can’t make a clear point and that’s when I get a feeling I’m lying. To others and myself. Sometimes I don’t even feel it, I just lie, without my awarness, since I am describing something that doesn’t come naturally to me.
In those situations, the only thing you can say with 100% certainity is “I do not know”.
However, it is important we don’t remain at this point. Of course, one can’t force knowledge on oneself but might as well try. “I don’t know” can serve you as a warning, meaning you’re not very knowledgable about the topic but you will try your best. When someone says “I don’t know” and continues talking, take note that his answers may not be entirely true but not due to his or her lying, just due to a mere lack of objectivity or precise introspection. Even if people all felt the same (I believe we are unique in that aspect too as much as on all other areas, though), everyone would describe it differently. And sometimes, words are completely meaningless. Our emotions may be too abstract to put in a few words. You don’t have to. There are other ways.

“Words only tell you half of the truth. The worst half.”*
- Fritz (On the Way, Izidor Cankar)

Remaining at “I don’t know” is not good because communication is key to connection. Let that be connection to other people or connection to your own self.

*The quote was translated by myself. Hence, the translation may not be exact.
24. januar 2019
25. januar 2019

I sometimes (often, lately) need someone with magical powers. Those would include a gift of being able to persuade me everything will be alright.
Because I have people in my life who tell me everything will be fine, it’s just that I don’t believe them. Not because I don’t value their opinion or support, it’s just that I don’t believe, they know my abilities, limitations and situation to that extent that they could be certain about everything being just OK.
So… I appreciate you saying “everything will be okay” but it doesn’t make my anxiety go away.
On a second thought, nothing really does. It just sinks on its own and lingers somewhere in my subconsciousness until it makes it pompous comeback.
I’m perhaps lucky though. For someone with high trait anxiety, I don’t really suffer panic attacks. It’s just… fear. Constant nervousness these days.
I am in a phase of exhaustion. The only things that could help is changing the way I think but I am pretty stubborn about that.
As if I fear that would take a part of me away. A small, yet perhaps crucial part of my identity.

Thank you post malone.
26. januar 2019
01. februar 2019
02. februar 2019
02. februar 2019
All you need is a good book. Good books have magical povers. Try it out.
Write. Writing has a magical pover, too. I will be here to read your words. Not always, but I will be here. For you and for everyone who needs me.
(well yeah, sorry for being poetic, here is the word you are waiting for: Next)
02. februar 2019
Thank you all.
.Rᴀᴠᴇɴᴄʟᴀɪʀᴇ., yes, books are unique remedy for one's brain, yet they require some time and effort, which I currently lack. I have lost the patience to read a long time ago... There used to be time and will. For now, I at least try to stick with writing. It's not much. It's not any good but it helps reorganize my thoughts, which get some freedom they deserve.
And do not apologize for such thing. I appreciate it. The support and being poetic. Poetry is nothing to be afraid of, nothing to frown upon and definitely not a thing you can do wrong.
It's for you and me,
for all the blind that want to see.
06. februar 2019
The kind of tired sleep can’t cure

I would prefer not to describe the exact circumstances I am in (there’s nothing fatal, shocking, traumatic, I assure you) but I can tell you they’re taking a great toll.
I could never cope with stress well, mostly due to my personality traits and dispositions. I can partially excuse myself it’s the genes to blame, the DNA but truth is also, it could be better if I really worked on it.
But for everything you need time and time is something I right now have the least of.
Besides, I am exhausted. Even if I managed to get plenty of sleep (which is Next to impossible due to my tight schedule, and the neighbour’s dog), I’d be probably still tired.
And I have so much more to study, so much more to learn but my mind can’t even stay focused for a minute.
It’s fine.
I just need some (self-)pity. Some sympathy, maybe empathy. I refuse help. I doubt in the possibilities of help.
I can handle it.
Just tell me I have it real rough, that I am really in a bad place, that I suffer and that I am amazing for getting so far.
Just tell me that and I will be better. It will spark a bit of motivation, just enough to keep me going.
Help me find an energy out of sheer will, because my body has none.

(Just a cry, lost in the nothingness. You do not have to do anything. You do not have to support my self-pity. I do appreciate every reader that takes time to follow few glimpses of my mind.)
06. februar 2019
08. februar 2019

Imagine a world, where people would be either violet or turquoise. Imagine, you’re born violet. You grow up as violet and when you’re growing up you realize, there are two kinds of people: violet and turqiouse. You see that there are certain activities and behaviors more associated with either violet or turquoise. For example, riding horses is more common for turqiouse people. But you’re violet. You should (for example) rather race with cars or try ice skating. That’s what violet people do.
One day you meet a person. It’s a happy individual, doing all sorts of activities in their free time. And the most obvious feature they have, something you can spot from miles away: they’re blue. And azure blue, like the sky.
You can’t believe your eyes! And that is because they were closed all this time. Because you grew up in a world where you were taught, from the day you were born, people can only be violet or turquoise. But there is a pink person sitting right Next to you in class. There’s a sunshine yellow teacher passing down the hallway. An emerald green boss yelling at you. An orange and grey person on the bus.
Open up your eyes and move beyond binarism. Each one of us is unique.

Let’s dive a bit deeper into the topic of gender identity.
First, we must not confuse gender and sex. Sex is your assigned gender at birth and/or the gender of your reproductive organs.
Gender is where you feel that you personally fall on the spectrum between male and female. Commonly people identify as male or female, but some fall in the middle or move throughout the spectrum.
These are not the same categories, as you can see. And while we can only be born with two different sets of reproductive organs, we can identify past our biology.
Here is a site that includes number of definitions which may help clear things up: http://thepbhscloset.weebly.com/a-list-of-genders--sexualities-and-their-definitions.html

Now, people have a lot of arguments and also a lot of hate when it comes to this topic. I believe all can be countered.
Even science is on our side now since gender identity variants are considered pathological any more (for example, there is no longer Gender Identity Disorder in 5th edition of Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders [DSM-5], only Gender Dysphoria. Similar steps were taken within the 11th edition of the International Classification of Diseases [ICD-11]).

“But it is unnatural!”
Unnatural. Really? Where have you seen the last natural thing we do? Living past the age of 9 isn’t natural because vaccines aren’t natural. Yet, you’re alive.
I really think that’s one of the lamest arguments. There are some other, as I said before, too, but I will not discuss them here any further.

“But there is so many terms and definitions now!”
Oh, I am sorry, is that too many for you? Too much to remember? Too complicated?
Things have always been complicated.
Now we just have names for it.

Respect people’s gender identity. We’re far too different to be put just in two boxes.
And it also makes a huge difference whether you put a cat in the box or a cat goes in there on its own (cat owners will relate).

It is true that we are far from understanding our genders. What is behind them, how do they develop…
But I believe that we’re not just violet or turquoise.

Other references:

Meyer-Bahlburg, H. F. (2019). “Diagnosing” Gender? Categorizing Gender-Identity Variants in the Anthropocene. Archives of sexual behavior, 1-9.
15. februar 2019
Thank you, post malone.
15. februar 2019
Če želiš poslati sporočilo v to temo, se prijavi ali včlani