just a collection of ramblings, rants, poems and whatever I come up with on slightly worse days, basically a blog kinda thingy. i might write in english or slovenian who really knows?not me . you can read this if you want to or ignore it altogether, its more for me to just put my shit somewhere.



veliko se sprašujem, če sm res že ubežala tej miselnosti, ki me je spravila na kolena tok časa nazaj. a sem jo pustila deleč za sabo, na drugem kontinentu brez možnosti prečkanja čez nove oceane sreče in svetlobe al sem jo mogoče sam postavila v zakljenjen kovček iz katerega ne more pobegnit, ampak ga še vedno vlečem za sabo in mi otežuje vsak korak? želim si, da bi lahko rekla, da zame velja prva trditev. ampak ne. želim se rešit te teme ampak če tako dolgo ležiš v njej, te vsaka svetloba slepi in slej ko prej bi rad nazaj v senco, nazaj v objem hladnega zraka, ki ti prodira v dušo in temnih oblakov, ki se zbirajo v tvoji glavi. rada mam svetlobo, hočem toploto ampak sem se udomačila v temi. težko je opustit stare navade. sej se trudim. včasih mi gre boljše, včasih malo slabše, včasih popolnoma podležem preteklosti.
zdi se mi, kot da večkrat v jezi spustim kovček na tla in prehodim nekaj kilometrov samo zato, da se potem obrnem in nazaj primem kovček v roke.
ampak enkrat ga moram dokončno spustit, zakopat, it naprej in se nikoli več obrnit. it naprej, pustit staro sebe tam in začet ustvarjat novo sebe. ker preteklost je mrtva in js sem živa.
13. maj 2016

was feeling pretty okay in the morning which resulted in me actually opening my language books again and working on some dutch and swedish. and I haven't done that in forever, mainly because I've been feeling shitty and unmotivated. and I went straight back to this mood after lunch again for no apparent reason. so now I'm just sad again, feeling lonely and thinking about her. which is something I shouldn't do because it's just making me feel worse. i should stop wanting her to be more than my friend. but that's not really working so i guess I'll just continue coming up with impossible scenarios until i get it through my head that I don't have a chance with her and nothing will ever happen. and I guess being friends with her will have to be enough. at least that means that no relationship drama can happen and we just stop talking. meh.
I also want to finally finish Fahrenheit 451 because its a really good book but I can't seem to concentrate and I can't figure out if that's because of the book hangover or just my bad mood.
I also tried writing some new parts of this story I'm writing but that didn't go anywhere either.
so I guess today isn't meant to be good or productive.
14. maj 2016
its midnight again which means its already tuesday which means its the day of my history exam that i didn't study for. and im not even anxious about it which is weird and I don't understand why I'm not freaking out ? am I just so done with life that I don't care? or my mind is just putting too much faith into hamilton, hoping it'll magically help me ace the america part of the exam. which is a possibility since the songs include many numbers and I know them all so I guess I'll just sing the whole soundtrack in my mind and write down the answers. but I can get a 3 for this one. I have three 4's so its cool. I'm just talking about an exam that doesn't matter , nice! anyway today was pretty bad, my gym teacher managed to make me uncomfortable as hell once again, my bad mood is back, the boy days are back and I think there's a war going on down in my uterus which is awesome! I love pain!!
I also think this is the time I'd really need that therapy I was forced into last year and I kinda want to go back but we couldn't possibly pay 20€ per week and even if we did, what am I supposed to do? come back to her and be like "yo so I know I was here a year ago bc of anxiety and I said I was okay after a year with you but I kinda lied? and like, im totally not okay and I've been having more panic attacks but also that's not all and I've been lying to you. u kno how I said that like I love myself and have no problems with myself? yeaaa that was a big ass lie also I did in fact cut myself at that time and still want to but please don't tell my mom bc it would break her heart and I couldn't stand her looking at me like I'm the biggest disappointment can we possibly talk about all this?' yeah, no . I wish I'd have someone to talk to. like I don't want anyone to help me I just want to talk to someone. and that therapy was pretty much just making life chains and talking to stuffed animals which was, if I'm being honest, stupid and didn't help me at all. I now realize it would've been much easier if I hadn't lied that time but I really hated going there and so I insisted on my only problem being anxiety. *bad idea alarms*
and god, its almost the end of the school year, the end of my first year in high school and I don't even have any friends. like yeah. I hang out with classmates but no one really gives a shit about me and even if they did they're all fucking idiots, homophobes and transphobes and that's not the kind of people I want to hang out , for my safety alone. and I miss my friend. I haven't seen her since last year, partly because we didn't have time at all and partly because I was too anxious to face her and I think that my crush might be part of the reason why I'm so anxious which sucks because I used to be so comfortable with her and now my mind just had to fuck that up for me with this crush . amazing, thanks brain !!!
I should probably get some sleep (I probably won't) and turn off my phone right now (I probably won't) and try to relax or whatever (I probably won't) so I'll just stop (I probably won't stop thinking, which is bad for me but do I care? yeah I do actually but I can't help myself and I have exactly 0.0 self control so .. noice!!!)
17. maj 2016
currently trying to sleep off my tiredness. actually, that's false information. unless you call watching people play undertake while lying in bed tryih to sleep. I should study today. I have two exams tomorrow and I'm super unprepared for both of them. I think they won't be such a big problem tho. I get geography and I don't really give a fuck abt chemistry at this point so I will try to bullshit that. I'm also getting my bottom braces off tomorrow which I'm super excited about!!! finally all my teeth will be straight!! bless !!! at least My teeth will be straight if I'm not. ha ha ha sexuality jOKES. anyway. I have like three more exams and then I'm done for this school year thanks so much. idk why everyone stuffs the exams into May like u do realize there's march n April n all those other months .right .,,, aaaanyway I will try to actually do some work Now. I hope I manage. if I don't. well then... oops???
23. maj 2016
I did nothing today, I played undertale for 4 hours, died like 10 times bc I'm horrible and now I'm talking to my crush, feeling super great, telling her that one day a nice girl will surely like her. I'm a nice girl !! n I like her !! but that's not how it works ooooo (((-: anyway ! I have nothing to say !!! I could complain about this but people say its stupid. but then again, its my blog !! I'll complain abt whatever I want to ! amazing !! I feel awful !! j like her too much !!! I don't wanna like her !!! aaaaaaaaaaaaa
24. maj 2016
i had a quite nice day today. i went to a kindergarten nd it was super cool, all the kids are like so smart??? how are u 4 and already know how to say a shit ton of stuff in english ?? how amazing ??? and apparently we did a good job so thats nice. i also picked up flute today, i haven't played it in TWO YEARS and im so happy im able to do it again now. it looks like i've forgotten a lot though so i'll have to practice a lot. i practiced for two hours now, mainly just some popular songs so i get back on track and holy shit do my fingers hurt ! they're so not used of this anymore and i feel like my pinky will fall off any minute nd i feel like my index finger is forever deformed. i wanna practice more but i have to let my poor fingers rest for a bit. i'm intentionally playing everything on the second octave while my window is opened in hopes of annoying my back neighbors as much as they annoy me every night. i swear everyone hates the high notes on flute except for my mom. she wanted to play flute so she's like super into me playing it. i used to go to music school but i hated the theoretical part of it so i quit but i love playing flute. and i might try for the school band Next year now that i can play again...
25. maj 2016
it was going good and then I just had to let my thoughts go. bad idea a !!! im now thinking about it when I shouldn't be thinking about it and I shouldn't care bc it didn't matter bc everyone was drunk and it did not matter no one meant it no one wanted it it was just the drunken state n o t h I n g m a t t e r s. and yet I can't stop feeling like shit, feeling guilty over feeling like shit about it when it shouldn't mean anything to me but fuck why does she get to do that why does she get to hang out with her sh e was my best friend first and now I'm so distanced fuck this is not how it was supposed to go everything is wrong and I can't. stop. feeling. like. a pile of sHIT.
25. maj 2016
im back home, still feeling awful but at least im feeling awful in my own bed. two days by the sea did nothing to relax me because my dad's friend with his family joined us and well... i don't do well with other people. so i spent the majority of my time locked in the too hot room, reading the foxhole court, wanting to hurt myself and taking occasional breaks to climb through the window to the balcony and stare at the clouds. such fun ! i felt especially bad on friday so i wrote my feelings down and filled three pages with negativity and ugly words but that didn't make me feel any better so i listened to sad songs and staret at the wall until i eventually fell asleep. i had two nightmares which resulted in lying on my bed wide wake at 4 am, trying hard not to fall asleep again. i drifted off soon though and luckily didn't have a nightmare. i studied a bit for my chemistry exam but i don't think i learned anything at all. we'll see.
i thought about therapy again but it's too late now that summer holidays are a month away and she's gone and i'm gone. i don't have her number anyway. i wonder if i would actually let myself talk about the bad stuff now. because the last time i spoke about anything other than anxiety with her i started crying and i hate crying in front of other people, especially in front of her because then she asked me "you just cried. why?" and i didn't know why i cried. so i never let the conversation turn to anything other than anxiety. would i let myself talk about my sister now? or my grandma? or my dad? i would cry and then she'd ask for an explanation and i don't have one because i feel nothing about the people i just mentioned. i so badly want to feel anything, hell, cry about them but i can't. i cried about my grandma for about five minutes and that was that. that was the end of it.. i never cried again, i never felt anything about her ever again. i didn't even cry for my sister. i just accepted it. i dont feel anything about them and i make myself feel bad for not feeling anything. i think i should. don't people cry when they lose their loved ones? isn't that was a normal person would do?
i cry, i cry a lot. i cry when i hear a sad song, when i read a poem that touches me, when i read a death scene of my favorite character or their suffering, i cry when someone dies in a movie, i cry about stupid things in my life and yet i can't seem to cry about real people dying. like what the heck is that all about? i don't know. i hate it.
back to therapy. i don't know. i wanna go back there but i don't. i wanna tell someone about all this but i don't. if i tell her about self harm she is obligated to tell my parents because it directly affects my life and puts it in danger. so that's something i can't talk about. i could talk about how much i hate getting up in the morning and going to school, putting on that fake happy mask and talking to people that aren't really my friends, because my real friends are all far away. and i think we're drifting apart. and that was one of my worst fears. drifting away from the people that understood me. i don't know how to hold on to them, if they even want me to hold on to them. maybe they don't. the surely don't make any effort to meet up. it's okay though, i probably wouldn't do it anyway. i'd get run over by anxiety and chicken out in the last minute like always. i feel like my best friend is being taken away from me and just writing that makes me feel awful because she does not belong to me and i need to stop being so fucking jealous but it's hard when your brain keeps telling you she doesn't really like you anyway. so i try to convince myself she does but every time i see my other friend, now her friend too, hang out with her i feel my stomach bottom out. sometimes i wonder why they don't invite me too. yeah, i'm not their schoolmate anymore, but i am their friend. i guess i'm just too quiet for them. it's okay. as long as they still talk to me sometimes, it's okay. at least i matter that much. i know i'll always be the one they talk to, not the one they (want to) hang out with. it's okay and i'll make my peace with it. eventually. it means they haven't completely forgotten about me and that's something. it'll have to be enough. i just don't want to lose them, lose her. because they are the only ones that ever understood me, stood by me and just. i dont know.. been there.
god, i want to get drunk.
29. maj 2016
You poor little thing ):
*hugs her*

I'd say I know, I understand, but I've never been in situation like this before, it's only up to my imagination and empathy and I can tell it has to suck a lot.

If you want to talk, I'm free.
I can't say I can help, but I can offer you my friendship, if that means anything to you.
29. maj 2016
Crazy Artist - first i just wanna say thank you for not reading this and, well, not trying to 'solve' my problems one by one as a lot of people do, if that makes sense. also, thank you for offering to talk, i can't say i'll do it just because i don't do well with people. i might though. it means a lot

now today was a little bit better, i guess. i have a chemistry exam tomorrow and i did not open my notebook but i can't bring myself to care. so i might read through it once before i go to bed. might. instead, i spent my day on tumblr and let myself be consumed by the foxhole court because it's better to let my mind slip into that fictional world than stay here. that's why i love books. have i talked about books here yet? i dont think so. anyway, i love books. i love how easily i can escape into a completely different world, how time slips away and i just live a story. i've always loved books. the first actual series i read was harry potter, by J.K. rowling when i was 8. i was super stubborn and didn't let my mom help me and i fell in love with it. i fell in love with the world, with the characters, with the magic of it all... i think harry potter is that one thing i'll never grow out of. last year i had the chance of going to the warner bros studio tour, to visit the scenes where they filmed the harry potter films and i'm not gonna lie. i cried. feeling that bit of magic, getting to walk through the sets, the sets not feeling like sets but the world, the world of magic. it was amazing. but i won't talk about harry potter for ten pages now.
the Next book series that took a piece of my heart must be the raven cycle by maggie stiefvater. last summer i impulsively bought all (then only) three books and read all of them in four days. within the first few pages i was already in love with the story, the characters, the weirdness of it all. some people say, it's confusing at first. i didn't find it confusing at all. i took the world in word by word and let it consume me for those four days. the characters are amazing, the character development is amazing too and the plot is something new and really interesting. the fourth and the last book came out in april and the series are over. i didn't want to start the raven king because i was so not ready to let the characters go already. i did, soon, because like i mentioned sometime in this blog, i have absolutely zero self control. i have to say, that i am perfectly content with the ending and am okay with letting the characters go. the series took the second place in my top 5, right after harry potter.
now, let's talk about all for the game series (or just the foxhole court, as it's known) by nora sakavic. oh man, i will try to make sense but i can't promise anything. so i saw someone reblog an edit from tfc on my dash in march and i was sick at that time so i typed the foxhole court into google. i did not read the summary because.. i dont even know why? i just didn't bother doing that. and because the first book is free on amazon i decided to give it a try and downloaded it. the first page got me. i'm not even exaggarating. i was bought after the first page. i don't know what did it. the style of writing? the way the story, the charater was presented? i don't know. i spent the rest of the day reading and when i was done at 10 pm i immediately bought the second book. it is only 1€ i think but i would've bought it if it was 20€. the suffering these series brought me and the amount of love i managed to find in my heart for so many characters is unbelievable and i just. [shreaks] the characters, my god, the characters are amazing, the character development is amazing, everything is so so so well written i can't put it into words?
i can't write what its about. it's about an imaginary sport and the team that plays it. it's about a runaway, a dysfunctional team of players and a japanese gang. it's about that but it's about so much more and anything i write about it will not do it justice. it comes with a fair amount of trigger warnings though, so it's nice to check that first, unlike me. (the results weren't the best but oh well, i'd tolerate a panic attack for these books any day). i have never ever felt anything like this about a book before and this just put these series on the first place in my top 5 book series and just top 5 books in general. a lot of things make better sense when you read it the second time around, the actions of some characters make sense then. and it hurts, and you cry and you feel a heck of a lot of things but it's worth it, it's so worth it. i can't stop talking about these series and my friends are probably annoyed at this point but i can't help myself because it's sooo good. it's been two months since i first read the books and now's my third time reading them. amazing.
i'll just write down some of my other favorite books here: eleanor & park, fangirl, carry on by rainbow rowell
fahrenheit 451 by ray broadbury
the perks of being a wallflower by stephen chbosky
all the bright places by jennifer niven
ketchup clouds by annabel pitcher
aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe by benjamin alire sáenz
paper towns, looking for alaska, the fault in our stars by john green
how to kill a mockingbird by harper lee
genesis by bernard beckett
the hunger games trilogy by suzanne collins
that's all i remember on top of my head.

well this got long and it distracted me from life so, great! i love books. i hope someone just passing through here will see this and maybe find some new books to read! [quietly chants] the foxhole court, the foxhole court, the foxhole court!

i shall say goodbye now because i might take a look at my chemistry notebook...
30. maj 2016
Books indeed are amazing. I wish one day I will be able to publish my own book, another universe that will exist only on those black and white pages *-*

I will also perhaps read some of the books you recommended. Lets wait for summer break...

By the way, have you read The Mortal Instruments? Or anything Cassandra Clare writes? You should really try, but beware, once you start reading her books, there is no end to them because they are all connected ^^

30. maj 2016
song currently playing: pretty little head by eliza rickman
im having a super shitty day, i don't have energy for anything so i'm just ignoring all my friends and not responding to any messages. i had a panic attack while i was taking the chemistry exam but obviously i didnt say anything and just choked for those ten minutes while shaking. i dont know how i did, its okay as long as i didnt fail. but i dont think i did that bad. i left school feeling okay but then just slowly started crashing to the mess i am right now. i managed to do some schoolwork but i threw the books away an hour ago and now i'm lying on my bed, trying to make sense of my thoughts. but thinking is dangerous, so i'm just writing this down. i feel myself getting bad again and it's scaring the fuck out of me because i do not want to be in the same state i was almost two years ago. that was one of the worst periods in my life and i don't want it to happen again, but the want to mark my skin is back and my bad moods are back and getting longer. i'm glad its almost summer and i'll be able to rest a bit. hopefully i'll clear my mind and not fall into the black hole again. i tore the bad pages of my diary in a hundred pieces just a month ago. i don't want the same bad words on new pages. i don't really know what to do about all this. i don't even think i'm making any sense. but neither do my thoughts atm so !!!! i feel like running outside and just lying down on a field and lowkey hope the rain drowns me. i think i got into a fight with my friend today because she was annoying me so much and wouldn't shut up and now i feel bad but it was her fault ?? so i might text her just to make sure we're okay. (or to make sure i have a ride to school tomorrow, i kinda don't wanna walk 5km) or maybe walking would be nice, i could let a car hit me. i say something along the lines of "im gonna throw myself out of this window" or "i wanna die" at least 10 times a day is that normal i dont know. i dont actually want to die i just want to stop time for a few months. so i can sort out my life. or like, not exist for a while. or wake up in ten years with a job, good friends, maybe a girlfriend, NOT SO MUCH GODDAMN ANXIETY. if i really want anything, it's being able to talk to people. like i can't talk to people. i'm not talking 'oh this is a new person, im kinda shy around them, im not gonna start a conversation' no, i mean 'sometimes im terrified of asking my parents the simplest thing and will go over the question 50 times in my head before i ask or won't even ask'. and it sucks so much. at school, when teachers ask questions.. i have all the answers and i want to say it but i can't ,my mouth wont open, words won't come out. or i'll wait and practice the answer in my head so long they'll move to another thing. it's the worst when i'm directly asked something. if i'm not 10000% sure my answer is correct and i didn't practice it in my head enough times, i'll stay quiet. i'm so scared of saying something wrong. and i can't handle being around loud people because they attract a lot of attention and i just want to hide. if my friends get super excited about something and start yelling i usually kinda step away or tell them to shut up BUT it's not because i'm annoyed it's because people start looking our way and i just can't stand it, i feel like they're going to talk about me and how ridiculous i look. it's fucking stupid but i can't help myself. i won't walk past a group of people, even younger than me. i'll take the other way, even if its longer. this is a big problem and i want to get rid of it but i don't know how and having an anchor doesn't really help because i unintentionally let my anchor become a certain person that's not around me anymore. and nothing else calms me down. oh my god, that's so stupid. why did i let a person be my anchor this was the stupidest thing ever. i got so attached to her. what the fuUUUuuUuuUck.
i'll go listen to some sad songs and fight off a panic attack i feel coming.
31. maj 2016
So, negative self-image is the problem. I'm not an expert (although I'm really interested into becoming one) but sometimes it helps if you fake confidence. If you fake, that you love yourself and lie to yourself that you are absolutely the best and the most awesome person on whole planet. Don't mind if you will look self-important. I did that in the past and it kind of helped me. Dunno, maybe you should try...
And sad songs are not the best combination with bad mood. I believe it will only make it worse. You should definitely find something that makes you happy, that makes you laugh. I found Haikyuu (anime) and I call it: 'my 25 minutes of happiness'.
I know it's hard and I know, you know that self-pity does nothing good, yet it is kind of addicting right? Like drugs and alcohol. Everyone knows they're bad for you, yet they're still practicing it all the time.
I may have never had a panic attack (or maybe I did, without knowing it was actually a panic attack) but I know life can suck pretty badly. But it's not impossible.
Sorry if you will hate me for my advices, I can't just turn a blind eye to your suffering ):
And don't overthink. That's the worst you can do. Perhaps you should keep yourself (your mind) busy. Spend more time doing things you love (fuck school, I know you can get those 50% on the exams, more is currently not a priority) (;

I'm waiting for a Next that will be more positive. I know you can do it, you got this! I believe in you :*
31. maj 2016
Crazy Artist - i've tried faking my confidence so many times but that just doesn't work for me, i dont know. honestly, i'll just take time to think about everything this summer and try to get myself together. also, you mentioned haikyuu and i'm pretty sure my cousin made me watch like one part, i should get back to it, it seemed really nice.
so i'm having an okay day, i got a 4 at math which is a real miracle, the shirt that i ordered has been shipped and i did all the schoolwork. yay for me! i also started the x files because my friend's been nagging me about it for so long so i decided today was a good day to get all freaked out! i'm enjoying it so far so that's good. i also started a painting for my mom's birthday and it's not going exactly how i want but thats okay.the only bad thing today was that my phone finally died and won't turn on anymore and i have to wait until Next friday to get a new one. okay, so what else was good?
volleyball went super well and i'm glad because that's the only sport i enjoy and am pretty good at it. we had two hours of history which was also great because i love history! and weekend is two days away so i just have to survive that now. yay ! i don't have a lot to say, i'm just glad i'm having a good day after so long. i just have to block out my thoughts and i'll be fine
01. junij 2016
Wiiiii a good day ^^
01. junij 2016
update on the happy day. i got slightly excited in the living room and accidentally kind of came out to my mom she looked so disappointed im gonna leave for school through my window, she literally just stared at me, i am going to die, what if she wants to have a talk with me i am gONE. i am now freaking out in my room let's all hold hands and pray she forgets all this in the morning !!!!!! im terrified bc she hasn't said a word to me like she just stared at me for five seconds and then left what if she kicks me out of the house what teh fuck ehy am i stupid. will she forgive me if i go to church with her without saying anything, will that purify my soul enough riP wha t have i DONE ooooooooooh my gooooooooooooooooooood
01. junij 2016
Oh, that sounds awful D:
I hope she won't get angry with you and she will understand ):
She probably won't kick you out of the house but she might be in bad mood for awhile...
Fingers crossed for good luck!
01. junij 2016
today was okay, got a 4 at chemistry, my slovene teacher didn't yell that much at me and music went well. then, when i got home, i realised i forgot my keys and i was locked outside and couldn't call anyone so i got some bricks from the back yard and climbed on our balcony and almost fell but hey, at least i got in.
then at 5 my mom came home and at first she was just like the usual "how was school" and stuff but then like half an hour ago she called me into the living room, i was ready to run tbh. she sat me down and was quiet for like a minute n then was like "so about yesterday". acting stupid didn't really help and i was on the verge of tears. and then she was like "you said something about liking girls" and i just kind of smiled, i was honestly paralysed like i couldn't say anything. and she went on "just because you havent liked a boy yet doesnt mean youre a lesbian" and i was like screaming internally because excuse me i think i know who i like tysm.
so she was quiet and like after a while i managed to be like "well yes, but i also like boys i guess.. i just like girls more" and she was like "boys too?" so i just nodded and, well, she looked very relieved. and i was crying. rip. and then she was like "well you know, there's a lot of boys around here, don't worry if you don't like anyone, that really doesn't mean you like girls you know" and i would scream if i wasn't terrified so i was jus tlike "yeaaaaaaah" and then she was like "okay" n left. so now im upset and kinda want to roll around in a bi pride flag bc fuck you mom i think i know who i like thank u very much. but this is all i'll get i think and i guess it's not that bad, i mean she didn't kick me out so thanks lol. this changes nothing though, i still have to pretend. i should throw a boy crush in a conversation soon to reassure her i am Super Straight and What Is A Girl Anyway what is that creature ?????? blame it on the teenage confusion and those phases u have ha ha ha. i shall try to expand that 10% of attraction to boys to like 90% just for u, mom!
i cant wait to get out of this house !!! this is another thing i wish i'd talked about with my therapist but i was too scared. like i hated myself for good three years because of this , it was super fun , i had no one to talk about it except for the internet!
all this makes zero sense i am jus t very ... [screams into the void]
its pride month and i sure as hell am proud I LOVE THE GIRLS A LOT MOTHER
i gotta practice piano now.
02. junij 2016
Your mom is just fooling herself because that confession probably shocked her a lot. I know it's hard for you because you know what you love and your mom is trying to convince you otherwise. But if she came that far, I think she will accept the fact that you're more lesbian than straight sooner or later.
And you're playing a piano? For how long? Piano is lovely ^^
02. junij 2016
Crazy Artist - i've been (properly) playing piano for a year now because i have piano lessons at school but i've played a bit before.
my mom took away my laptop and blocked my wifi because "i'm getting strange ideas on the internet" so that's lovely ! i kinda hate everything atm and just want these two weeks of school to pass quickly so i can spend my days locked in my room, reading books. also i'm being a super supportive friend and giving advice abt crushes to my crush but that's not new.
so i've been in a bad mood for the whole week but i did some dutch n swedish work which is weird because i usually don't have the energy for languages when i'm sad or whatever ? but i'm not complaining. i finally got the courage to face present verbs in dutch. and they're not that hard, like i actually get when to use loop or loopt or schrijf, schrijft, schrijften. so. nice! unlike het and de. i still don't get which words get het and which words get de but apparently neither do dutch people.but now my italian is getting rusty what am i to doooooooooo. practice obviously but im literally going to die if i end up learning three languages at the same time my brain probably cant handle that even though i think it can.
the one good thing in my life is my dog. ik houd van mijn hond!!! look at me bein all dutch. (why am i like this rip)
07. junij 2016
Wow, you're really good with languages *-* I'm jelly
07. junij 2016
okay so why do people stop listening to the band/singer they love just because they got big and 'mainstream', like listening to unknown artists somehow makes you better how pretentious. like i get it if you dont like their music anymore but shitting on them and pretending their music suddenly sucks just bc theyre well known now ? thats fucking stupid. im only saying this bc today a classmate told me she now hates twenty one pilots bc they got big n everyone knows them bc of stressed out alright lol. getting big doesnt make their music bad ?? like shit i hate when the people who were talking about a certain artist 24/7 only a few weeks ago suddenly go "no ew i hate them" and then even shit on people who still listen to them. let people listen what they want, youre not any better if you listen to rock music instead of pop. guess what !!! people have different music taste and none of them are bad !!! SHOCKING !! i just really want people to stop with the "oh this music is good, this is bad" bc guess what theres no rule for what 'good' or 'bad' music is and you sure as hell dont get to say one direction is bad just because you listen to fall out boy or whatever.
this makes me very mad.
08. junij 2016
I agree. Music can not be parted in good or bad.
08. junij 2016
after having the worst day and (hopefully) the last stress induced breakdown in this school year, i'm feeling surprisingly well today. i broke my fingers playing piano for two hours trying to learn taxi cab and the judge and then another hour playing flute. i should really find all my old sheets, the popular songs are too easy to play. also, i'm going to buy a ukulele Next week because i've wanted to learn it for two years now and because i'll have to learn guitar Next school year why not learn ukulele first because its easier. so there are my main obsessions: books, languages and instruments. i love to sing too but i'm just average at it though i really want to work on my vocals.
i also got my aftg shirt today and it's huge and soft and i feel so good in it but it smells like burnt glue so i have to wash it before. redbubble has the cutest packaging i swear.
i feel like cleaning my room now and change up my board a bit because it's full of london photos and i'll probably leave a few up but i'll just put some other things up. i hope i find my hufflepuff pin that's hiding somewhere so i can stab my schoolmate with it's sharp end. oh my god this reminds me, the other day i spoiled deathly hallows for my friend. i have no idea how she didn't already know how it ends but she didn't and i spoiled it for her and i felt really bad. on the topic of harry potter, now that i've checked the cursed child spoilers i don't think i'll buy the book because i don't even know how i feel about the plot i mean... what even ?
[maybe curshed child spoilers ahead idk??????]
and like maybe if scorbus was made canon it'd be better but guess what !! that doesn't happen. *screams* i mean good to know that with so many characters we just can't have a lgbt one (yes theres dumbledore but he's also dead). but just thank u god that albus is in slytherin i would've killed people if he ended up in gryffindor.
i'll stop here because if i don't i'll end up with a two pages long rant about jk rowling lol gooooodbye.
10. junij 2016
If you're looking for lgbt characters, you can find few in The Mortal Instruments (or other books Cassie has written, they are all connected anyway) ^^
Besides, I've just read Letters to a Young Poet (by R. M. Rilke) and I highly recommend it to you. You can get it on the internet and it's rather short so it shouldn't take you too long.
Let me know when you read it
10. junij 2016
Crazy artist - ive tried reading the mortal instruments but i kinda couldnt really get into it. i might try again though. and ill be sure to check out the book you mentioned.
the past few days have been kinda shitty, those two shootings in orlando shook me and im not gonna get into that because honestly i have too much on my mind currently. my mind is full of pretty much everything and im exhausted and i feel like im only functioning because im exhausted to the point where i look happy when in reality i feel so empty and dead. i only have three days of school left and i genuinely dont think i can even deal with that. but obviously i have to !!! im not even done witj this school year n im alrwady terrified of the Next one thank u so much.
i wanna sh now but i shouldnt becausr its not healthy and listening to top is probably the only way i can try to not do that and lose my mind. i feel so incredibly empty and i hate it because i also feel nothing and that sucks because i want to feel at least something but i cant and then im frustrated because can i at least feel sad or something? no, instead i just dont feel anything and ufdkdjks i dont even know. i have too many thoughts right now and none of them really make sense and this probably doesnt make sense. i dont make sense. i dont think any of my friwnds actually like me i mean sure they tall to me and stuff but like im just there to talk to when everyone else is gone and thats always been my role so i should be used to it by now. i dont know. i dont knw anything i just want holidays so i can sort myself out and hopefully become a functioning human being again. i feel like crying now. super great since thats better than not being able to cry i sguess ???
i wanna sleep for a few weeks.
15. junij 2016
Just don't be disappointet when holidays will end and you will realize, you're no different. Thing like this take a lot of time and solitude. Don't rush it, it's okay to be the way you are. I know you want to get out of this phase as soon as possible but have patience. And that therapy you mentioned before... if it helped you, you should go again. No one has a right to judge you and I think we should all visit psychologist at least once a year. Everyone is somehow fucked up. Some more, some less.

It's gonna be fine
16. junij 2016
i so badly want to say that the reason i haven't written here in almost a month is because i've been feeling good and okay but i'm not going to lie. i just didn't have the energy to do anything. i've been at the sea in our summer house over the weekend. got another panic attack in the water which is, in my opinion, one of the loveliest things you can experience in your life because panicking without being able to stand and not being able to breathe while pushing sea water in your mouth is really something extraordinary. my favorite thing to do, to be honest. my mom was yelling at me, trying to get me to snap out of it but that's really not so easy when your mind is supplying you with amazingly detailed visuals of your own drowning because your useless brain won't get the memo that a human being must, in fact, breathe to survive. i was histerical and it was awful and people were staring and after five minutes i managed to somehow swim to the shore and get out, while still panicking. and what triggered this? a fucking plastic bag, that looked like a jellyfish. because i am terrified of jellyfishes since last year, when i was just chilling in the water and was suddenly surrounded by at least 15 jellyfishes. ho, that was awful and then my cousin, who was there with me, held one up and shoved it in my face because apparently they were already dead but tell that to my panicking brain.
enough about panic attacks, let's talk about how a few relatives came over and i was frozen on my chair because i was terrified of them. like i could not stand their presence, i felt incredibly uncomfortable around them and i couldn't even go to my room because i was afraid they'll ask me someting if they see me move. that is also a very nice feeling. i am glad i didn't have anything sharp enough with me that day because i would've done shit. my mental health is honestly at it's finest right now, bless. any good things? school ended, that's good. i'm doing great with my ukulele, another good thing. i cut my hair short again because the idea of long hair made me sick. good.
i just remembered a thing that was stuck in my brain the other day, and i wanted to write it out just to get it off my chest. it's not lovely. probably better to skip it.
there's been many times that one simple sentence came into my mind. 'everything would be better if you died instead of your sister'. even when im feeling okay, i can’t begin to argue with that logic because it’s true. that little human being would most likely be a better human being than me. the world deserved a better human being than me. she probably wouldn’t have random outbursts of anger like i do, she'd love our parents more than i do. are they shitty parents? i guess not. what counts as a shitty parent? they've given me everything i needed and i probably shouldn’t complain. do i believe it when my mom says 'i love you'? not really, but then again i don’t believe anyone that says that to me because im too shitty to love. there arent many things to love about me. im okay with that. i don’t want to die. im not suicidal, i think. but if i could trade my life for my sister's, my sister who experienced maybe a minute of life when she came out of the womb until she was caught in the void of nothing, i would. my mom cried, i was 6 and understood nothing. never felt sad about her, never felt anything for her if im being honest. but how can i feel something about a human being i never even saw but should be my sister? should i? am i so emotionless? i don’t know. when i was at my worst, i frequently had that 'can a car run me over please' thought but when i thought about it, i didn’t really want to end it. what keeps me here are my countless daydreams and hopes of what COULD happen if i stay. maybe i could see the world and have a girl hold me in her arms because she loves me and have a little apartment far away from here and translate books in my free time. maybe i could. i don’t believe in it but a little part of me does and if that’s the only thing keeping me alive then i’ll hold on to it. as long as i have my daydreams and little things. like for example: i want to know what happens Next on the fosters, i have a few books i really really want to read, a few songs i want to learn, a possibility of going to a concert later in the year… and until i have all these things, i’m safe.
03. julij 2016
Hope. Hope is good.
I myself haven't been feeling quite well lately but it's nothing, not really serious problems, perhaps just attention seeking, I don't really know. I'm pretty much convincing myself I shouldn't have any problems because my life is fine, I have friends and great parents etc. But it's not them, it's me. I'm such a puzzle to myself, it sometimes drive me insane, trying to figure it.

Glad you're back, though.
04. julij 2016
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